In navigating the queer dating scene, you will come across many new and exciting creatures. There’s the tatted bisexual barista with a poetry career. There’s the senior software engineer who you meet at the puppygirl party who flakes on every attempt to pin them down outside rope jam. The Sagittarius (if you know, you know). There’s the unicorn: elusive, revered, and possessing of both free time and a mortgage. The Capricorn. Should you come across these creatures in the wild, and through a mix of magic and willpower end up dating one, I give you a traveller’s guide. My qualifications? Capricorn father, one extremely odd situationship, one play party co-organizer, and current girlfriend. The world of a Cap can be somewhat tricky to navigate, but never fear, you will soon find yourself an expert.
I. Territoriality
Much like families of ravens will rule one portion of the forest, the Capricorn exerts total and complete control over their spaces. Not for them the 10-member queer community house with an overflowing kitchen sink. They will have every aspect of their hard-won one-bedroom tailored to their liking and comfort, and do not cohabitate well for long periods of time. Unless, of course, they have decided you are one of the lucky and deserving few. Should you be chosen as the partner of a Capricorn they will bend over backwards to ensure your comfort.
Though they may be completely at ease allowing you into their inner world, understand that the caution around most people sharing their sanctuary is an intrinsic part of a Capricorn. To be allowed access is a privilege that must be earned. Do not take it upon yourself to bring in strangers, especially more than one at a time. Ask your Cap before granting another entry, and ensure you can vouch for the respect of all guests. Demonstrating reverence for the home will go a long way, and you may even find yourself hosting dinner parties and game nights together.
II. Ambition
Ah yes, that tried and true stereotype of the Cap: work-obsessed, money-hungry, and cold. And while certainly there are those who would lean into the shadow side of their nature, allow me to offer a shift in perspective. A Capricorn has never not been plagued by ambition: lofty goals, big dreams, seeing the broad scope of things. Rather than be intimidated by this, the analytical side of them is able to break their dreams down into steps and tasks to make it happen. They are unafraid of hard work and putting their blood, sweat, and tears into what they desire, be it to excel in their career field or create artistic masterpieces.
Money and the energy of it is also something a Capricorn understands inherently. The process goes: my goals require money, sometimes large amounts of it. Why shouldn’t I strive for access to it? Finances and commerce are areas they excel at because they are not intimidated by them, regardless of their personal financial situation. Want to make the most comprehensive and accurate budget you’ve ever had, with a creator who will ensure you stick to it? Call your Capricorn.
To support your Capricorn, honor their dreams and volunteer to do things to make their lives easier as they embark on their 10th project in 6 months. Order them dinner, help with small tasks they are comfortable outsourcing, and tell them how proud you are of them. Be proactive and thoughtful, and show your engagement in their work.
III. Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry
The Capricorn often finds themselves taking on a provider role in their relationships, even their platonic ones. However, one of the worst mistakes you can make is trying to assign them to the role of your provider without their explicit consent. With all things Capricorn, remember, access must be earned and negotiated. They do enjoy, and often thrive, on holding the reins. They love driving plans and taking care of the people they love. However, they do not respect passivity in the slightest. Rolling over and calling them “Mommy” immediately will get you nothing but derision and avoidance.
Capricorns view care and being a provider as a precious, almost sacrosanct gift. Caretaking is intimate, almost on the level of a blood ritual. With this in mind, recognize that taking it for granted is particularly egregious. Always make sure their efforts are seen and appreciated, even savored. You can never express too much joy here, in fact this is what Caps live for.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: where do I find these elusive queer Capricorns? My advice: pop into your local modern art museum or bookstore. When you find one, strike up a conversation on dialectical materialism or the postmodern art movement. Offer to purchase a copy of the new lyric poetry collection. Invite them to a wine bar with a large selection of orange wine once they’re good and hooked. Happy hunting!
** Please note: none of what I have just written applies to cishet male Capricorns: my advice here is RUN.